Thursday 14-03-2024 - 12:12

Themes: journey, experiences, learning, resting, strength in failure, pain. 

I’ve been struggling to write this blog for a while now, mainly out of fear that what I say won't be helpful, or interesting, or worse - harmful. Everyone is so unique; we all experience the world in different ways. And yet in many ways it is our experiences that can also bring us together. Whether that be in our day-to-day-ness or sharing our deepest feelings; our need to connect with one another can leave us feeling both isolated, and whole. 

I cannot reach through the screen and communicate with you directly (for the best really - that would be intense), give you targeted advice guaranteed to fit the bill. I also err on the side of caution when it comes to generalised advice, because we all hear enough of that in every corner of the online and offline world. Exercise more, drink less, don’t smoke, meditate, sleep more, make lists, check lists, check it twice, and so on. It’s information overload! So instead, I’m going to take you back to (and heavily plagiarise and connote) a favourite childhood story of mine, that I believe is more relevant now than it was when I was four years old. So, sit back, and try to enjoy the journey, because it’s story time:

 

“We’re Going on a Bear Hunt!”
 

Do you remember the book about the bear hunt? You may have heard about it, or even read it as a child. Well, it starts like this:
“We’re going on a bear hunt.
    We’re going to catch a big one.
    What a beautiful day!
    We’re not scared!”

Perfectly fun, nonsensical, whimsy of delight and adventure, right? Wrong. We’re going on a bear hunt in the story, but in the real world we’re going to work. Or we’re going to university. Or we’re going to live life to the fullest despite its treacherous hurdles, crippling debts, rocky relationships, existential questioning, threats of global warming and economic disaster. We’re going through life, and life is one big bear hunt, so to speak. I don’t need to reach through the screen to know you’re probably thinking wow, you’ve lost your mind.  This is just a children's book, Lauren - it's not that deep. Perhaps you’re right, but I’m going to deep it anyway, there’s always something to learn. The story continues:

“Uh-uh! Grass!
    Long wavy grass!
    We can’t go over it.
    We can’t go under it.
We’ve got to go through it!”

“Swishy! Swashy!
Swishy! Swashy!
Swishy! Swashy!”

The story continues this way through deep cold rivers ‘splash, splosh’, thick oozy mud ‘squelch, squerch’, big dark forests ‘stumble, trip!’, and of course the swirling whirling snowstorm. For blogs sake I’ll explain the maybe not-so-subtle metaphor here. 

"We’re definitely absolutely 100% scared”

We go through many muddy patches in our lives, many deep cold rivers, and way too many stumbling trippy forests. A different, but relevant quote I like is “what stands in the way is the way”, and I think that could not be truer here: “we’ve got to go through it”.  Now, I’ve lived with recurring depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, and although the journey is easier now, I still have my dark days. Just as soon as the path ahead clears, I am suddenly stopped in my tracks by gloopy swamps of mud weighing me down, keeping me stuck while the world heedlessly passes me by. The rain pours into my wellies and every step is wet, cold, slippy, and deeply uncomfortable. The grass towers above me blocking my view, leaving me blind to what could, and should, lie ahead. And when I’m really lost, dark forests surround me, and I'm adrift in a sea of darkness with no sense of direction or safety. Everything I have learned is tossed aside. My feet are frozen from the snowstorm so now I can’t seem to hold my own weight. I am heavy and tired and weak and angry and sad and “no I’m fine honestly it’s just one of those days don’t worry haha how are you anyway?”. 

Our journey, it seems, may not be so different to the family in the book on their bear hunt. When it comes, I’d love to make my depression disappear. Take a shortcut and skip all the thoughts, feelings, mood swings and turmoil. But going through it teaches me how to prepare for the next time. It also teaches me other valuable lessons about my past and the wounds I am still trying to “fix”. The biggest wound being that I believe I am something that needs to be “fixed” and not just a human who is living their life. 

Towards the end of the story, they find a cave- the climax! Big finale! And in the cave is a “shiny black nose”, attached to “big furry ears,” and “big goggly eyes,” and “OH MY GOD IT’S A BEAR!!!” Back they go, quickly, through the cave, through the snowstorm, through the forest, through the mud, through the river, through the grass, through the door, YOU FORGOT TO SHUT THE DOOR! Shut the door, up the stairs. All the way back to bed, where a probably traumatised family stays for the rest of their “bear hunt” day. “We’re not going on a bear hunt again” ... Hunt well and truly over (for the best don’t you think- get that kettle on!). 

 

“We’ve got to go through it!”

Now, my key takeaway here is, despite the perilous journey through blistering cold and mountains of grass, (and although they chose to go looking for a bear, and were still shocked to have found one- c'mon what did you expect?) the journey itself saved them from being caught by the bear as they desperately scampered away, narrowly escaping a gruesome destiny where they became a bears’ very tasty 5 course meal. If they had taken the easy route and caught a taxi around the long wavy grass, waited for the river to freeze to go over it, they wouldn’t have been prepared to face it as they ran all the way back. They knew where to go as they bolted through the big dark forest because they’d been there before. They recognized that check-point tree, they knew not to trip on that one hidden root. And the mud, did they get stuck? No, they mastered the art of running as fast as you can instead of slowly trudging through it. We can learn from our experiences. It doesn’t necessarily change what we go through, but it changes our approach. 

So okay, yes, if they didn’t go looking for the bear they wouldn’t have needed to escape, but in real life, there are going to be bears and forests and snowstorms. Full of challenges and trials and errors. We go looking for these adventures because that’s what can make life worth living. You could have stayed where you were. You knew coming to university would be a challenge. You go to therapy knowing there is work to do. You have those painful conversations with loved ones because you know deep down that staying silent isn’t helping anymore. And the world might be crazy, full of danger and fear and snowstorms and forests, but wouldn’t you rather be in it, instead of watching it from the outside?

 

 

“We’re not going on a bear hunt again”

For some of us, we grew up in an environment where the bear came home every night. We don’t go through muddy puddles or dark forests, and we don’t go through the cave, because we’re living in it. That, of course, leaves a bit more of a scar to heal from. It also means that when we finally escape the bear, we still have to go through the wind and the rain and the mud. Looking for a home with a door to keep the bear out, with a room with a bed with covers we can hide under. No wonder when we finally find shelter we don’t want to leave again. We’re not going looking for bears! We’ve spent our lives living in fear of one! Bear hunting isn’t an adventure; it’s absolutely terrifying. Of course there are some who live with bears, then leave only to live with other bears. Living with bears is what they’re used to, it’s who they grew up with and it feels like home no matter how scary. 

 

This brings me to my second, and final (don’t worry I’m almost done, you’re doing so well thank you for being here!) takeaway is, when times get too tough, when life gets a little scary, you can always go back home (if you have one and it is safe), or to shelter, or simply to bed under some covers, that’s okay. Maybe you bit off a little more than you can chew - which by the way isn’t a failure, very well done you for putting yourself out there. Maybe the journey was longer than you expected, or you got lost along the way, changed your mind, or got lonely, or tired, or maybe you deserve a well-needed break. You can always go back home, shut the door, and lie under your covers a little while. It’s okay to stop and rest. My only advice would be to leave the door open. Not for the bear of course, they will have to find their meal elsewhere. Leave the door open for when you’re ready to try again, whenever that may be. Leave it open for possibilities. Leave it open for the next adventure; don’t let it end there. Stay under the covers, get cosy, sleep it off, cry it out, invite a friend to stay under the covers with you, watch TV, make a nice cuppa tea, build a den, read a book, write a blog. Whatever you need, however long you need it. 
 

Always remember, you are NOT a failure for going home. You did not give up; you changed course, learned something new, found a new adventure. Take it slow; you have the time, and you will do better next time. I don’t wish to preach, but this is something I myself am trying to practice. These are the words, and this is the advice I try desperately to give myself, and what I desperately need when times are tough.

"Into the bed, under the covers”

Sometimes you will meet bears in your life that will knock the adventure out of you for a while. You’ll never deserve it. Asking you to be ready for it when it comes is just a way to blame you when it happens. If you have gone through this and got through it, or you haven’t gone through this, but you’ve heard about it from others, please try and remember to be kind. We can’t always, especially when we’re dealing with so much on our own, but as often as you can- be kind. And even if like me you don’t have many family members to reach out to; reach out to friends instead, reach out to support staff, to communities, practitioners, people within the pages of novels. You can’t always be where you want to be, or even who you want to be, but wherever or whoever you are, you don’t have to be alone.

Please utilise the support provided below as and when needed:

If you need help urgently for your mental health, but it's not an emergency, get help from NHS 111 online or call 111. 
Alternatively, there are a variety of mental health providers details on the NHS every mind matters page Urgent support - Every Mind Matters - NHS (www.nhs.uk).

 

You can also access a variety of mental health, disability, and general, support from Edge Hill University at Student support services | Support | Edge Hill University

 

And for academic support, such as writing referrals if you are struggling on your course, contact the SU Advice Team here Edge Hill Students' Union | Scheduling and Booking Website (simplybook.it) or email them directly via suadvice@edgehill.ac.uk