Monday 10-07-2023 - 11:30

Moving onto campus as a fresher in 2019 was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life thus far. I knew I would feel different to other students joining, but I wasn’t prepared for just how much of a fish out of water I would truly feel. 

Seeing all my new peers with their families; mums, dads, grandparents, siblings, some even brought pets (that was just a kick in the teeth to be honest), I didn’t believe I deserved to be there, and that everyone around me could see it too. That I was different from everyone else. I had no support from my parents while joining university, but I was accompanied by a very supportive college tutor. I didn’t see my differences as a strength, or something that I could relate to other people over, I saw them as a weakness. This set me into a direction of isolation, anxiety, binge drinking and academic decline.

Looking back on my first day (a whopping 4 years ago now), there is so much I would say and do for myself. I would tell 20-year-old me that I wasn’t alone, that there are lots of other students like me. I would tell myself that my experiences didn’t break me, even though it felt like they had, they only made me stronger. I would tell myself that the shame and terror wouldn’t last forever. That I am important, and worthy, and kind, and everything will be okay. I would ask myself to reach out more, and that suffering in silence isn't something I deserved, but something I had learned from years of emotional abuse and neglect.

I stumbled and fought my way through first year, avoiding my mental health problems. But as soon as I hid away from the outside world, all the worries, doubts, shame, and fear would creep back in. I knew student services had a variety of support. I even had good friends I met through my course and the rugby team. But reaching out meant inviting them into my world, and my world at the time was full of shame and embarrassment. I was scared to look weak, scared to admit that I was struggling. But most of all, I was scared that I was living up to my statistical destiny. Kids with my kind of life experiences just don’t go to university. They don’t do well on tests, they don’t have happy, healthy relationships, and they don’t live fulfilling lives. In true self-sabotage form, I turned away from meaningful relationships and support and instead put my energy into counting all the reasons not to stay and engaging in other self-harming behaviours.

On the outside I appeared to be a happy, cheeky, albeit slightly disorganized person. On the inside I felt like I was lost inside a dark cave, with no map, no light, and no strength to find my way out. I was well and truly lost, at the best of times. I read student success stories with envy, about the resilience of others who had “overcome” their mental illness, obsessing over online posts of people with their families. I was disconnecting from everyone around me, and I didn’t know how to stop it. 

I spent the majority of COVID-19 (queue war flashbacks) alone on campus, isolating (and drinking heavily) in my flat. During this time, I began to engage more with the wellbeing team, university counselling, and even reached out to mental health services for over-the-phone therapy with the help of university support staff. I volunteered for Wigan council and Alder Hey hospital. I was exercising with the amazing women at Ormskirk rugby club and spent quality time with my new housemates and friends from the university rugby team. I was still living in fear, but with each small step I took towards seeking support, I found the strength to carry on (cringeworthy I know, but it couldn’t be more true). I felt like I was truly beating the odds.

That’s not to say I “made it to the other side”, or that I don’t have my dark days still, but now when the thunder comes, I am ready to face the rain. I even learn from it sometimes and let myself grow from the lessons it can bring. Sometimes I will wake up and wish I had never even tried. Sometimes during my weekly (extortionately priced) shop, the fear takes over me. The only thing holding me together; the music coming from my headphones. Sometimes all the hurt, and anger, and shame, and guilt builds until the best I can do is lie in bed on my phone. But what I have learned is that this is temporary. That I am never ever alone. That there is always another day to try again. I have learned that It’s okay to fall at life’s (many) hurdles. But when I do, I try to remember that the fall is proof that I tried. And not to let the fear of failure again keep me from getting back up again. 

My message to you 

When you were offered a place at Edge Hill, someone saw potential in you to do something great; to thrive. So, if you’re struggling, or fancy some self-carespiration(!) here are some of my favourite, and most effective tools that have got me by all these years. And remember that how you use the tools is the powerful part. A hammer is just a piece of wood and metal: it only becomes a tool with the strength to build, and break, something when you learn to use it:

Music, music and more music. Whether you’re into cheesy pop (no shame whatsoever), classic rock, tearjerkers, even cheesier musicals, or my personal favourite: country music. Whatever gets you out of your head and into your soul, or even just gets you through the day, turn that shit up!

Therapy. And a lot of it at that, for me at least. I’ve had more therapy sessions than I’ve had hot dinners. And that’s not to say that it’s all been helpful, sometimes it can feel more trial and error than saviour. And it can take some time and effort from yourself sometimes. But it may help to remember that you're doing this for yourself, because you deserve to enjoy your life and thrive. Also just having someone to talk to about your darkest thoughts can help you let go of some of the load you are carrying. No one deserves to suffer alone.

Self-care. This can be anything that nourishes your mind, body, or soul. It may be challenging; it may be relaxing. This can also be something that helps you feel good and grow. Whether it’s facemasks, moisturizing, or lying on a green field under the sun. Maybe it’s blasting some tunes and walking around Ormskirk's (admittedly beautiful) scenery. Journalling and reading, breaking out a sweat at the gym or playing your favourite games, hanging out with people who make you smile, singing and dancing in the kitchen (apologies to my flatmates), cooking your favourite meal, editing photos, watching films, listening to podcasts, taking hot or cold showers (if cold: how?), feeding ducks (definitely not the campus geese though, those guys are lethal), charity shopping, food shopping, joining a society... are you getting it now? Whatever makes you feel good about yourself. And you can always ask others, or look online, for inspiration. 

It is also important to acknowledge the pressure of “self-care culture”. It’s okay to try something that worked for others, but not so much for you. So, in honour of all my failed attempts at self-care, I’ll name some that absolutely do not do it for me. 

Meditation. I swear I will master it someday but it’s not gonna happen today, how do people do it!? Facemasks and painting my nails. I think I’d rather watch paint dry (haha) I get so so bored. Hitting the gym. I want to be a gym girl. I’ve tried to be a gym girl. I wish I was a gym girl. But I am 100% not a gym girl, at least not for now. Living with a hidden disability means that extraneous exercise and I do not get along. I’d much rather take a leisurely stroll, or cycle. And the last honourable mention is a hot bubble bath (this is a lie; I am very bitter because I have not had access to a bath for most of my time at university. If you enjoy, and have access to, a bath, keep it to yourself thank you).

I hope this has given you an insight into the not-so-glamourous side of the student experience, inspired you to reflect on your own journey, or if you are just beginning yours, I hope it has reminded you that you are never ever alone. Take care and try and enjoy as much of your journey as possible. And if you are reading this and you have your own struggles you are dealing with reach out. Speak to someone, to a member of staff, to friends, or to family if you have some. You don’t have to do this alone; you deserve more than that. The best thing you could do for yourself might just start with a simple hello.

Useful resources, information, and tools:

EHSU’s specialist Advice Team can offer help with certain issues that may be exacerbated by parental estrangement, such as housing issues and referrals to food banks. Find out more here.

The University itself offers a range of support for students, including a hub for Care Experienced and Estranged Students, and a number of wellbeing and counselling services.

Charity Stand Alone, which supports people estranged from their families, has a Student Portal.

UCAS also has an information hub about differences to student finance and additional funding for students without family support.